It is common to see couples break up or argue because of bad habits that have established themselves in their relationship. But which ones are particularly harmful and how can you avoid them? A study provides us with some answers by identifying three destructive behaviors for couples : criticism, defensiveness and contempt. In this article, we look in more detail at these three harmful habits and how to overcome them.
The review: a slow poison for couples
The first behavior identified as harmful by the study is criticism. This term encompasses all verbal manifestations of disapproval or negative judgment towards the partner. Here are some examples:
- “You never do anything right. »
- “Failed again, that’s big you!” »
- “I told you so, but you never listen to me. »
This type of communication may seem harmless, but it has the effect oferect a wall between partners, preventing them from sharing their feelings and resolving their problems constructively. Instead of criticizing, try to express your grievances in a positive and respectful way, expressing your needs and wishes without overwhelming the other person.
Defensiveness: a shield against intimacy
The second toxic behavior identified by the study is defensiveness. This is’an attitude of withdrawal and protection against attacks (real or imaginary) from others. The defensive person tends to reject any reproach or criticism, often by placing the blame on their partner:
- “It’s not my fault if I come home late, it’s because of work. »
- “I’m not the only one who doesn’t pay attention to spending. »
- “If I don’t listen to you, it’s because you talk all the time. »
Defensiveness creates a climate of tension and incomprehension between lovers, each seeking to protect themselves rather than understanding and supporting the other. To avoid this trap, learn to actively listen to your other half’s complaints, put yourself in their place and assume your responsibilities without constantly trying to justify yourself.
How to get out of defensiveness?
- Become aware of your reactions: Identify the moments when you lose your temper and ask yourself what fears or hurts are motivating this attitude.
- Practice active listening: When your partner confides, silence your thoughts to focus on their words, emotions and needs.
- Express yourself nonviolently: share your feelings, without aggression, using sentences in the first person and avoiding generalizations.
Contempt: The Silent Killer of Relationships
The third harmful behavior identified by the study is contempt. It manifests itself by the act of denigrating, belittling or despising one’s partner, often in an indirect and insidious manner. Contempt can take various forms:
- Sarcasm and cruel mockery.
- The ironies and nasty innuendoes.
- Facial and gestural expressions of disdain (rolling the eyes, sighing, etc.).
Contempt is particularly destructive because it leads the victim into a vicious circle ofinsecurity, lower self-esteem and emotional withdrawal. The partners then feel incompatible, misunderstood and incapable of thriving together. To fight against contempt, cultivate admiration and gratitude towards your partner: value their qualities, regularly express your gratitude and choose to see the glass half full rather than half empty.
The effects of contempt on the relationship
In addition to the deterioration of self-esteem and self-confidence, contempt can have other harmful consequences on couples:
- Communication stalls: exchanges become rare, superficial and conflictual, because partners are afraid of being mistreated or misunderstood.
- Complicity is eroding: Shared pleasant moments are becoming increasingly rare, with lovers preferring to run away from each other or take refuge in solitary activities.
- Desire diminishes: contempt stifles mutual attraction, leading to lower libido and sexual fulfillment.
This study highlights three behaviors that are particularly harmful to couples: criticism, defensiveness and contempt. To avoid falling into these traps, it is essential to develop caring and authentic communication with your partner, based on active listening, mutual respect and gratitude.
